Rainfall
by Animegoil
Summary: When Fai sees someone looking just like Ashura, he breaks down later in the night. Kurogane tries to comfort him, while deciding on his feelings for the magician after seeing his mask break for the first time. FaixKurogane


**REVISED EDITION! Some things have been edited/added/deleted and mistakes corrected! Anyone who wants to read it again can... the differences aren't huge, but some are apparent (to those who remember) and give in more insight to their character and clear some things up that were hazy/odd before. There were a number of large changes though (entire paragrah cut out) lol. **

**Well... this is my first shot at Kurogane/Fai, but I fell in love with them the first book! They're so cute! **

**Oh, disclaimer (always forget it...) - all characters belong to CLAMP! **

**Anyway, I hope you like. It's angsty and fluffy... and unbeta'd. Corrections are love. **

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**_Rainfall_**

The rain… he couldn't help but stand in it, letting it soak into his white clothes and pale, moonlight hair. It drummed softly, like a thousand clear, soft needles on his warm skin. It was almost as if his pain was being washed away with the falling drizzle as it grew stronger and colder, a full storm in its way.

He felt safe in it, somehow. Nobody could see him cry in the rain.

Especially a certain somebody. God only knew what _he_ would say if he saw Fai crying. Probably something really degrading.

He didn't know why he was so depressed. No—he was kidding himself, he knew.

It was that man. He'd seen a man who looked exactly like Ashura-ou. Dark hair, dark eyes, a kind smile… evil intentions lurking underneath.

He hadn't met the man personally —shards, how that would have broken him even further— they'd just been walking the streets in this new world, Kurogane trailing behind him asFai chattered happily—always behind his mask, of course. And then he'd caught sight of them man, his look-alike Ashura-ou, and frozen mid-sentence, mid-stride. And memories and feelings he'd worked so hard to suppress came rushing out.

Syaoran, too preoccupied with Mokona and her scanning the area for feathers, and Sakura too absorbed in Mokona's antics, didn't pay any attention to the sudden lack of chatter that had become almost background noise. Kurogane noticed immediately. He'd been watching Fai for lack of anything else to do—the area bored him immensely, with its plain, passive people milling about, the monotone buildings and houses, and the noisy clutter of different sounds around him. Boring.

So he saw, as Fai's normally milky white face drained of all color, giving him a ghost-like appearance, and his pleasant, if sometimes annoying, voice was cut off abruptly. He saw the magician's hand tremble, and his eyes lose all former shine, and something akin to agony cross the deep pools of azure.

"Fai?" he hadn't even realized he'd called out his name, but he had, and Fai looked at him, fear and pain of unbearable statures crying out in his face, before being masked over by a smile—the fakest one yet. The corners twitched with the effort of plastering it on.

"Shall we continue?" he asked pleasantly, but Kurogane had heard it. The quiver in his normally sure voice.

"Sure…" Kurogane had answered warily, and Fai knew he'd be asked about it.

But he hadn't. Not yet at least. The rest of the day, his smiles had all been strained, and ghosts of Ashura's spirit and memories floated in and out of Fai's mind. It'd been a torturous day, and now, he felt the relief of standing under the cold rain release like no other.

"You idiot! What are you doing out in the rain?"

Fai tried to smile, knowing it came out lopsided anyway, "It's nice."

"Tch- think before you lie to me," Kurogane replied harshly, staring at the shorter man expectantly from underneath the balcony of the room theyshared in the mansion offered to them by a kindly old couple, "Well? Are you going to come in or not?"

There was no use wasting his energy in trying to fool Kurogane. And with that thought, Fai let the weariness he felt show through, "Yeah."

The dark-haired Japanese man frowned, not quite liking the change in Fai. Though now that he thought about it, this was how he probably was underneath his silly smile. He'd asked for it, he'd wanted to see the real Fai. Tossing a towel to him as the magician walked in from the garden, he turned back to his magazine and sat down again.

Fai began to strip the wet shirt and pants off, feeling slightly uncomfortable without the warming magic of the markings on his back. Toweling his hair lightly, letting it fall wetly against his shoulders and forehead, he stared around the room for reluctance to look at Kurogane. It was dark… night had fallen quickly, along with the clouds, and Kurogane had a curious habit of reading in the dark. Hence, there were no lights on, and Fai felt the atmosphere utterly depressing. Something else to encourage his already darkened mood. Shrugging himself onto new, dry clothes, he was surprised to find them cold, and shivered.

All the while, the dark man reading in the chair watched with increasing perplexity and the barest hints of concern the unfamiliarly downcast actions of his traveling partner. No bouncy actions, no silly smile, no mindless chatter to fill in the void of the rain… It was disconcerting.

"Kurogane…"

"What?" came the gruff reply to the quiet query. Fai sighed softly, something in him stirring.

"Do you really want to go back to your world?"

The dark-haired ninja scoffed, "Of course I do. I'm not like you, I'm not running away from my problems."

The snow-haired man sighed again, resting his head on his knees, now drawn up to his chest, as he sat against the wall, "Do you think I had another option?"

Kurogane considered for a moment, understanding that he didn't really know the circumstances, "I don't know, did you? Could you have stayed and fixed things?"

"I… I really don't think so…I would have only ended up hurt, or used, and even now, if Ashura-ou finds me…" clouded sapphire eyes closed wearily, "Would he kill me? Or would he pretend… and chain me even tighter, pretending nothing ever happened… and continue using me?"

Kurogane didn't like where Fai was leading the conversation. There was such a hopeless tone in his voice, it was nothing like the ever-optimistic person the fire-eyed ninja was used to seeing. He'd known, from the beginning, that the smile was an act, but he hadn't expected the acting to be so… good. The real Fai was a completely different person.

A stifled sob broke through Kurogane's apprehensive thoughts, and as he looked down again, he felt like for the first time, he was seeing the real Fai. A broken doll… trying to regain the pieces of himself any way he could, while meanwhile hiding his pain from the world.

"D-Do you think… I'm useless? A coward?" snow-light hair fell over dead eyes as tears coursed down porcelain skin, and Kurogane felt something inside him pull painfully. He then laughed bitterly, as if he already knew the answer to his question. Kurogane was confused- Fai had never allowed his pain to show before, so now why was he not even bothering to hide his tears? He was not making any move to cover up his weakness, and it was that fact that really unnerved the Japanese man- it showed how truly broken he was that he didn't even see any point in hiding it anymore. A marking point in his lost hope.

Kurogane knelt next to Fai, not touching him, not offering physical comfort at all. His philosophy was that he'd have to teach Fai, not comfort him like he was a baby. He needed strengthening, not babying.

"What do you think of yourself?"

The dark-eyed man sobbed softly, curling up even tighter around himself, as if trying to become insignificant, disappear from the world, "I'm a coward… and I'm useless… and I'm hiding, and running away… and you hate people like me… you hate me because I'm so weak…"

Kurogane couldn't deny that he hated weakness, but he could say something else, something that was just as true, "That's why you have to get stronger… and…you're not that weak…" he paused. In truth, he was amazed. He'd never really thoughtFai was as weak as the magician thought he was. Sure, running away wasn't something Kurogane would have done, but the way the other man had put it, it didn't seem like there was much else he could do.

Kurogane was used to expressing himself. When he was angry, or sad, he always expressed himself, whether it was verbally or physically, relieving all his emotions. He was always clear to people about what he thought, within a certain extent of course. He never bottled anything up, or had to hide what he was thinking or feeling. That was one thing he knew he could not do. To think that Fai… had been resisting this urge to cry, and had _smiled_ at them all, through all his pain… Kurogane didn't think that was weak. Twisted, and maybe dishonest to yourself, yeah, but not weak. Maybe crying was, but to have held it in for so long… without giving anyone a clue, because Kurogane would have never guessed it was this severe… that was far from weak. His mask had been undeniably strong.

He didn't like this at all… seeing Fai like this was making him distraught, but he shook away the thought and focused on trying to fix it.

"Why can you not forget this Ashura person?" he asked. Fai's head lowered even more. Silence rang out for a moment, before being broken by a small voice.

"Did you know… I was locked up for years because of my magic? Because it was so strong it went out of control? I was hated… and feared… by my own family and friends… my whole village…"

Kurogane listened with a pained look, head turned away at the smaller man's quiet confessional. That would explain in part why he hated to use his magic.

"Until Ashura-ou came. He saved me… can you imagine that? He _saved_ me… from what I considered hell… I think I fell in love with him at first sight. I was _blind_, I would have done whatever he asked. I… idolized him," a bittersweet ghost of a smile crossed Fai's clearly defined features, "He treated me kindly, and smiled, and he was gentle… he whispered kind words to me… and always comforted me, and helped me… he had a gentle touch…" The pain in Fai's voice became almost unbearable amidst his soft sobs, and Kurogane looked away guiltily.

Never had he been more comprehensive of the way he acted to Fai than now. He wasn't gentle; in fact, he was always cussing him out and calling him an idiot, a fool. He never smiled at Fai, or whispered kind words, and he sure as hell didn't have a gentle touch. What was the use in that? And he'd never helped the magician other than in a battle, much less _comforted_ him. For the first time, he was slapped with the reality of his actions towards Fai, and how painful it must have been for him… Kurogane himself being so different from what Fai had loved in Ashura... Maybe… maybe Fai was the kind of person who needed some babying to become stronger… and not necessarily forceful strengthening. The thought was bizarre to him, but… people were different. Hadn't the snow-haired magician once mentioned anyway that he wanted to be protected? Kurogane did understand, however, that he couldn't fix Fai's problems; he'd have to do that on his own.

"I need to forget him… and get over him… because he only causes me pain… but… it's so hard to hold on to something new… when it doesn't want to be held…" pale lips whispered, body trembling violently, as his sobs became more pronounced, wracking through his frail frame. Kurogane felt that he was speaking about… something important with his last phrases.

Another wave of indescribable pain course through Fai, and he couldn't help but reach out, as if to hug Kurogane on impulse, needing some sort of ease from the pain, but suddenly stopped midway, realizing what he'd been about to do. His hands withdrew tremulously, and his gaze turned down.

"But you don't have to help me… I'm sorry…" his next words were so soft, Kurogane almost didn't hear them, "I'm sorry… that you don't want to be held…"

Fai stood up, the decisive action betrayed as his body swayed dangerously and toppled over, and Kurogane instinctively caught him, looking with surprise into glazed ebony eyes and a flushed face.

"That's not—" Kurogane began, flustered with the strangeness of the situation. What had that meant? Had Fai been… referring to _him_ when he'd said that it was hard to hold on to something that didn't want to be held? What the hell did that mean?

The pale wizard pulled away from the dark-haired man reluctantly, knowing that the he wouldn't like for the smaller man to remain there. It was another sign of weakness… and Kurogane wouldn't like it.

The crimson-eyed ninja sighed as the other pulled away. With Fai, there'd been many firsts. The first time he'd been teased, the first time someone had not cowered back in fear of his rage, the first time he'd seen someone lying outright to him, the first time he'd seen a mask like Fai's, the first time he'd underestimated someone...so many small things too.He'd never had to comfort someone. But now, it seemed like that would be another one of his firsts. Well, if he'd wanted to be hugged so badly, who was he to stop him? He motioned to the smaller man in front of him, "Come here."

Fai's eyes widened, clearly hesitating, dubious, and the crimson-eyed man sighed exasperatedly with a low growl and reached out, pulling Fai into him roughly and wrapping his arms brusquely around the thin body. It was awkward, and Kurogane had no idea how he would face Fai the next day, after all this was over, but right now, it seemed like he needed it… and he was one for trusting his instincts…

"I _will_ help you… but just some…"

The dark-eyed magician crumbled into the larger man as if he'd been made of china that had suddenly melted. His body shook violently as his crying began anew and he found his arms wrapped tightly around the fire-eyed ninja, holding on as he fell through the nothingness of his heart, the ache that so drowned him.

Kurogane sighed and leaned his head back against the wall, just letting Fai cry it all out, letting him hold on as tight as he needed. How long had he been holding it in? How many times had he wanted to break down and refused to… because he was afraid of what Kurogane would think? Of what he would say? Of showing weakness?

The darkness of the room was calming, and he was glad that Syaoran and Sakura's room was in the other side of the house. What a scene this would make, Fai broken and Kurogane comforting him…

"You know… you once told me that crying makes you stronger… or that there's a strength in crying…" he began, his voice drifting clearly in the room even over Fai's loud sobs, "So you better be a heck of a lot stronger by the time you're done," he didn't realize that his hand had begun to methodically stroke Fai's feather-soft hair, the other one solidly resting on the smaller man's back, "I don't think you're weak… I mean… this is the first time I've ever seen your mask slip. I would have never… ever… thought you had all this… _pain_ inside you…" he paused, collecting his thoughts, listening to the quieting sobs and feeling the body clinging to him shivering and shaking, "And about being a coward… I think you'll fix that on your own. It doesn't sound like that snotty prince of yours gave you much of an option on whether to stay or leave if you valued your life."

He stopped, as a new realization came over him, "Wait… when you said… he used you… you meant… he…" he couldn't bring himself to say it. It was too cruel, "How could you let him?"

Fai brought up a tear-stained face, midnight blueeyes reddening, and the tears that slipped from his gentle, pained eyes were those of shame, regret and self-loathing, all sorts of emotions, but foremost, betrayal, "No, it wasn't like that," he whispered softly, "I... let him. I gave him everything, my body, my soul... my heart...I did love him after all… but he tore it all… I'm… n-nothing. There's nothing else left of me…"

"No!" the taller man said on impulse, with such a large amount of vehemence that Fai was shocked into silence. Kurogane blinked and turned his face away, surprised at his outburst, but he was convinced, and he needed to express that, "There has to be something else… you need to forget him. You need to… find someone else, someone that will treat you right…someone that will help you forget… who understands you…"

Fai'socean blue eyes closed. He hadn't met anyone yet like that… except… except for… the dark ninja who now comforted him. He didn't think Kurogane realized that though, and he probably wouldn't accept Fai's growing love for him... he'd get angry… wouldn't he? He slid his eyes open again, gazing into the surprising concern in the other's fiery eyes. Well, even if he didn't get angry, he probably would never return his feelings…

A large, strong hand lifted his small chin, cupping it easily in his hand, and Fai's eyes closed over once again, exhaustion from his crying and reluctance to keep looking into those scarlet eyes overcoming him.

"You deserve a lot better… and…" he turned his face away from the paler one beneath him, "I'm sorry that I've been making it so hard for you."

Dull sapphires opened, and in his hand, Fai's head shook slightly, but with emphasis, "No! You… helped me a lot. I'd been hiding behind my smile for so long… I'd forgotten how to smile for real. See…" and here a sad smile began to form, "If I smiled, no one would ask what was wrong… and no one would have to find out about… my problems… it was easier to fool everyone with a smile…" his lips began to tug into their habitual mask, but he forced himself to stay honest, only for Kurogane… "You changed that. When I laughed at you… or smiled at you… it was real. And it feels so new… so different than when I'm just hiding… you've helped me… to smile…"

Kurogane was shocked. _He'd_ done that? How could he have possibly helped Fai at all when all he did was be mean and brash and insensitive? How was he supposed to know when the other man was happy or just pretending…?

"That's another thing… from now on, I want you to tell me when you're sad. I want you to drop the stupid act, cause it's only hurting you, and making me frustrated," the taller man said forcefully, glaring into Fai's eyes for added emphasis.

Another tear slid down the smaller magician's face, as his eyes closed again, "Why… why do you care so much?" he needed to know the answer.

Kurogane was taken aback by the question, "W-Why?"

Why… he didn't know. Why _did_ he care? Why did it hurt him so much to see Fai broken like this? He stroked Fai's flushed face searching for a feasible answer, and with a mix of relief and concern, found something to postpone his answer, "You're damn near burning up."

Sapphire eyes opened hazily, as they finally realized how tired he was, "I am?"

"Yes. So go to sleep now before you get sick, you idiot," he said, a tinge of the comforting softness still left behind the gruff words.

"Too late if I have a fever…" Fai murmured, slumping against the taller man. He hadn't realized it… but he was feeling cold… freezing… and so tired… his emotional outburst had left him completely drained.

"Damn him… leaving me to put him in bed and all…" Kurogane muttered softly, picking up his partner's small body with a new gentleness, part of a new vow he'd made to himself— he wasn't sure what it was… but somehow, it entailed being kinder and more understanding to the sick magician in his arms. He wanted to protect him, help him from the pain he was living in… while not acting all mushy and soft… because he did _not_ feel anything for Fai, he just wanted to help him out. All that meant was not yelling at him and listening to him if he ever needed it... right?

Drawing the covers back with one hand, he settled Fai's limp body into the bed, feeling highly annoyed at himself for the care and gentleness his actions were displaying. It was so strange… why did he _want_ to act like this? A side of him wanted to keep that vow, and to make things easier for Fai, as they apparently hadn't. Another side was almost disgusted at all the gentleness, and the change in his character—Kurogane wasn't some nice, mushy guy, he was a ninja! A killer! This was _not_ how he was supposed to act… but the former side won. There was no way he could be mean or harsh to Fai, not after he'd witnessed the reality, the side under the smiling mask.

Hesitantly, he reached out and brushed a stray silver bang from Fai's flushed face, then withdrew his hand quickly and instead turned around and sat down in his chair, picking up his magazine again, trying to distract himself and put the whole incident that had just occurred out of his mind.

Hours later, when he felt his head clear enough, he shed his black shirt and slipped into the bed, mindful of the sleeping body on the other side of the mattress. Throwing out any thoughts out of his head and rendering his mind blank, he was finally able to fall asleep.

OoO

Dawn broke over this new world, bathing the darkened room with the single, large bed in the middle with crisscrossed patches of bright light. One such patch fell against the long face of the dark-haired ruthless killer who now lay in bed, one slim eye open to stare up at the ceiling. He raised his arm to place the back of his hand on his forehead, trying to process where he was through that just-woken fog that was currently clouding his brain.

Movement from the other side of the bed jolted him slightly, and he turned his head in annoyance to see the body bundled up in the soft covers next to him. Remembrance flooded his brain. His hand, normally used to wield a sword bathed in blood, now reached out compulsively for the magician's face, turned away from him and obscured by light hair so that he couldn't see it at all.

But once he realized what he'd been about to do, he stopped, and looked away, hand settling quickly back on the pillow. What was his problem? Was he getting sentimental, or what? He may have promised not to be so mean to Fai,—but that didn't mean he needed to get soft or emotional. Sentimentality had nothing to do with being nice to Fai. He was reluctant –no, refusing—to even _think_ that he was feeling something special towards Fai. It wasn't possible.

But then he thought, why wasn't it possible? It wasn't like… like he was _scared_ to have feelings other than his customary ones, right? He wasn't scared of anything... but feelings were weakneses, and he didn't want those for sure. He growled softly, hating the way his mind was running in circles. The whole episode with Fai was messing with his mind. He needed to get out of there, away from the sleeping presence next to him, and off somewhere else.

He wasn't afraid of weak feelings… he just didn't want them.

The covers rustled softly as they dropped in a pool around the lean-bodied ninja, and he stood up, changing into fresh clothes and walking out of the room, refusing to look at the body thrashing feverish lyin bed.

OoO

"Hey, Kurogane," Syaoran nodded as he walked into the mansion's living room many hours later, "You're up early."

The scarlet-eyed ninja grunted good-naturedly, "Guess I am."

"Where's Fai?" the brunette boy looked about. It was rare to see Kurogane without Fai sticking somewhere around and talking.

"Still sleeping," was the short reply, signaling to Syaoran that he'd rather not talk about it, before Kurogane went back to reading the newspaper for lack of anything else to do.

"Oh… ok. I wanted to start searching for the feather today and Sakura wanted to go sightseeing," Syaoran informed him, his gaze straying to the direction Sakura's room was, "I didn't know if you wanted to come along or not."

Kurogane shrugged, "Maybe," _Depends on whether Fai's planning to go or not._

Syaoran nodded and left the room, probably to begin looking at maps of the area so he'd have an idea of where to go.

Flipping the newspaper and finding that he didn't care about the obituaries or political issues of this country, Kurogane stood, deciding to see if there was some breakfast about.

Indeed, walking into the kitchen, he saw the table being set up, and raised an eyebrow at the odd foods.

"What are those?"

"Oh, Kuro-chan! They're... omelettes!" Sakura smile sweetly, taking after Fai not only in her smile but in her way of addressing the ninja.

"We were going to go get you and Fai," Syaoran said apologetically.

"The fool's not awake yet?"

"Fai not awake! Fai not awake!" Mokona bounded up to the tall man's shoulder as he growled in annoyance.

"Should I go get him?" the princess asked softly, a small finger poised on her lip.

Kurogane sighed, "Nah, I'll go get the idiot up…"

The sound of heavy boots faded from the kitchen as the Japanese man trudged back to his room, Mokona jabbering senselessly on his shoulder. Opening the door, he walked to the side of the bed, standing well above the sleeping man.

"Fai. Wake up. Breakfast."

The snow-haired magician groaned lightly, prying his eyes open, "…Huh?"

"I said wake up. Breakfast is ready and they're waiting for us."

Fai closed his eyes weakly, silent for a moment, "Can you help me up?"

Kurogane sighed, reaching out and taking Fai's arm to hoist him up to a sitting position, "There."

Sapphire eyes nodded their gratitude as he shivered, struggling for a moment to get up.

"Hey… are you still sick?" Kurogane blinked, noting the feverish flush that still pervaded Fai's pale face, ebony eyes dull and glazed.

"I believe so… at least I slept like a rock," a light sigh was followed by a grim smile, "But I'd rather not worry Syaoran and Sakura. They're planning to search for a feather, right?"

"Yeah. They were wondering if we were coming along, but you'd better stay here."

Fai looked down sadly. He knew he wouldn't be able to go, but he didn't want to stay alone… "Let's go eat."

"You… um, need some help?"

Fai blinked, surprised at the embarrassed expression on Kurogane's face as he held out his arm, looking away, "You can lean on me…only if you need it though, I don't wanna drag around some lazy bastard."

His face broke into a grin, "Thanks."

"That better be a real smile…" the ninja muttered as he slung Fai's arm around his neck, supporting the light frame easily as he all but collapsed into Kurogane, unable to stand.

"It is," Fai responded happily, relishing in the warmth of the tall, strong body underneath him.

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**Hope you enjoyed! Thank you to all who've reviewed!  
**


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